July| Vol. 22 No. 8.02 | Christian's Chronicles © 2015 – All rights reserved.
The Chronicles, your exclusive source for the proclamations of Truth Babe™, provides this helpful recap of the week, so you don’t have to bear the burden of having your own opinion. After all, our slogan is:
“Why bother to have an opinion – just borrow ours!™”
Without further ado, here are the notable headlines, bylines, deadlines, and Frauleins for this week:
1. Boxing died. The final nail in the coffin came this weekend, when what was billed as the fight of the century, 5 years in the making, pitting the favorite son of the Philippines (and by all accounts the fighter most fans were supporting) “Pacman” Manny Pacquiao against Floyd “Money” Mayweather, who is (true to his ring-name) the highest paid athlete in the world, and the one sportsman probably most fans want to see lose. But it was not to be. Mayweather skillfully evaded the charges of Pacman and countered accurately in an effort that earned him a victory on points, but what was probably a huge defeat for the sport. It is difficult to see this fight as anything other than a disappointment, with a lackluster performance by two aging pugilists who both appear to be well past their primes, delivering a dud instead of the fireworks promised by the hype machine. It certainly was not an especially memorable affair for hard-core boxing enthusiasts, and the casual fan who bought into the marketing gimmicks and shelled out around $90 for the pay-per-view to fill the pocketbooks of the fighters and their promoters, probably left wondering what all the fuss was about. Some might even feel a bit cheated, unlikely to see a future investment in viewing a boxing match live a good investment. They might choose other forms of violent entertainment. Hey, at least in pro wrestling you always get a good show. And, speaking of violent entertainment…
2. Racism is all the rage. Most of the viewing public got to tune in and enjoy some entertaining violence at a much lower price-tag than the supposed “fight of the century” on pay-per-view, simply by watching the news on free TV from the comfort of their homes; Exciting images of looting/rioting/uprising/[fill in the blank] in Baltimore. It all was apparently sparked by the death of a black man while in police custody, in what since has been ruled a homicide, and which is no joking matter. It is but the latest chapter in the narrative of police brutality protests and mistrust between communities of color and law enforcement, which no doubt has some legitimate grievances as its underpinnings. However, unlike other cities, the Baltimore police as well as city leadership is majority African American. Be that as it may, the buzzword sending sparks across the information superhighway is: racism! And with good reason. It is a powerful spell that can effectively be used to silence any critique because:
We have already seen the use of this nifty label in our wildly popular feature “Confessions of a Racist, Part 1.” That piece reflected upon the wonderful efficiency of labeling all white people racist, as Kali Holloway did on Salon.com, in a great little article called “10 way s white people are more racist than they realize.” We invited the reader to test the logic of the arguments and the veracity of the studies cited in those alleged 10 ways, but since no one has time for that, we rest assured that such claims are simply swallowed whole by the receptive target audience. Note also, that this claim is even more magnificently executed in that it allows the claimant to make an assertion of racism and apply it to an entire group of people – which is precisely the defining quality of racism! Yet the claimant cannot be accused of being racist, because the claim is of racism! Genius! McCarthy may have had his fun labeling Communists, but it pales in comparison to this nifty little code-word for silencing someone.
Someone argues that looting and rioting should be condemned? Racist! A suggestion that “The Police” as such is not the enemy, and that we should abandon such “us versus them” narratives? Racism!
Yes, even those who otherwise sympathize with the cause of eradicating racism and seeking to provide equal opportunity can easily be whipped into line when they mention anything that even slightly deviates from the accepted dogmas of the day, simply by using this one label. So don’t delay, join the fun and try it at home!
Have bills to pay? Racist! Don’t like your boss? She is racist! Really, whenever you need a pick-me-up, just use racism to get the job done! Don’t worry about diluting its meaning, or becoming the “boy who cried wolf.” Racism never loses its luster, and it can silence any critic. Its magic might even be powerful enough to justify this:
3. In other news. Our international correspondent in a major metropolitan city failed to secure accommodations for this weekend. He was turned away from several hotels, and dejected, he opted to indulge in the offerings of a beer festival, resigned to sleep on the streets (or other, only slightly more appealing places). Then, a thought occurred to him, which proved to be his saving grace. He accused the hotel of being racist.
Soon after, he received an apologetic phone call from the previously fully-booked hotel offering him a room. He then returned to the hotel and found at check-in that the regular room was upgraded to a 2-level suite, complete with Jacuzzi tub, 2 bathrooms, a kitchen, living room, bedroom, a study, and enough televisions to host a viewing of the “fight of the century.” Thus, our story comes full circle, and we learn the value of racism. Too bad it could not improve the excitement of the fight.