July| Vol. 22 No. 8.02 | Christian's Chronicles © 2015 – All rights reserved.
This is a very special Chronicle. Today I decided to do something that I’ve been thinking about for a while, but never had the courage to actually do. It may (no, it will) come as a shock to many, I am sure, but it seems like that is all the more reason to go about this publicly.
I plan on getting married.
I am still not sure if it is courage, or just being swept away by the whirlwind of a rapidly transforming culture, getting caught up in the rising tide, or just my own sort of exhibitionism that prompted me to do it in this manner, but I have decided to take the plunge. Well, more accurately, I am proposing marriage (or its legal equivalent), here for the first time, to my friend Jim.
I hope he won’t be too embarrassed, but it seems like the perfect time for this. I will leave his last name off The Chronicles in the interest of privacy. However, I feel that at this point in history, and at this stage of my life, I can no longer deny that for me, anyway, a legally recognized marriage to Jim would be the best decision. I hope that Jim will also agree, after reading this Chronicle. Perhaps the other readers will see my point, too.
Jim and I have many things in common. We both studied law, we both dabble on various ways of getting reactions out of people on social media, and we both have a love for grappling, or jiu-jitsu. Jim likes to call it “man-grabbing,” which is just a silly, but descriptive way of reference to a sport we both revere. Jim is quite good at it, actually. And, perhaps most importantly for our purposes, Jim lives in San Francisco.
Why the City by the Bay is so important may surprise you. It is not the diversity of its culture, or the legendary Castro district, or the fact that I lived there as a young man in some of my ‘formative’ years.
It’s because San Francisco is so darn expensive.
This may seem like a downside, but it actually is not. You see, there are certain benefits available to me through my work, which are calculated based on cost of living. And because San Francisco has such an unbearably high cost of living due to ‘gentrification’ and hordes of overpaid and generally disliked tech-nerds displacing the local populace to pay top dollar for 10 square foot, run down apartments, these benefits are extremely high for people who have dependents in San Francisco.
And the only thing keeping me from having a dependent in San Francisco is Jim saying an enthusiastic “YES!” to my proposal.
Now Jim, consider the benefits. Accepting my proposal will allow us to milk a cash cow of enormous… value. It includes a substantial housing allowance, more than enough to cover your rent and leave me with plenty of extra spending money. As well as free health insurance for you (and any children we may adopt), just to name a few. I’ll throw in some free “man-grabbing” and let’s face it, you’ve got an offer you cannot refuse. Am I right folks?
So Jim, please say yes and allow me (us) to take one step closer to realizing a dream; a dream of financial freedom and free health insurance. I know I wanted to protect his identity, but I might change my mind and post this open letter on Jim’s Facebook wall, and encourage readers to lobby on my behalf! I’ll call it the “Say YES Jim!” campaign!
And here is the kicker. I want to invite EVERYONE to our wedding! Jim loves pizza, and frankly, I enjoy it very much, too. So we are going to have Memories Pizza cater our event!
You remember Memories Pizza, don’t you? It’s that little place in Indiana that caused quite a firestorm recently, implicating the controversial “Religious Freedom Restoration Act” by stating that they would not provide pizzas to a gay wedding. They had to close their doors due to the sometimes violent backlash they received. I guess their views left a sour taste in some people’s mouths. And it is all because of some things one of the proprietors stated: “If a gay couple came in and wanted us to provide pizza for their wedding, we would have to say no.”
But I am fairly certain they won’t have any issue catering the special event Jim and I are going to have.
We are not a gay couple.
I cannot fully speak for Jim (and I don’t want to assume anything), but I am not gay. Jim certainly is my friend with whom I have all those things in common. But I have no intention of ‘consummating’ our ‘marriage’ (or its legal equivalent).
I simply intend to embark upon a (thankfully) sexless same-sex union with a conveniently domiciled male partner. There is no legal requirement for sex in mmarriage; infeed, some say there is no sex in marriage at all. The government cannot force us to have sex! Which, incidentally, is another campaign I am launching: the “NO (government enforced) SEX IN MARRIAGE!” campaign.
My proposal to Jim is a passionate expression, nay, a demand of my equal right as a heterosexual man to marry the person I choose, whoever he or she may be, and regardless of his or her sexual orientation. That is the true meaning of ‘marriage equality!’
So join me in the “Say YES Jim!” campaign, which is sure to bring even the non-gay-wedding-catering, death-threat-receiving pizzeria as well as their vocal opponents together under one roof of tolerance as we celebrate our convenient, government sanctioned, and financially beneficial union!
Say YES Jim!